Reflecting On My Childhood and Parenting

By Janny Jackson

I’m about to get really real y’all.

Those of us that are married and have children know that losing yourself, whether in marriage or child rearing, can happen gradually over time, and we eventually get to the point where we feel like we don’t know who we are anymore.

We get lost in the work of raising a family and tending to a husband.

Not only do we lose ourselves but we become robotic to the point where everything is just on autopilot. The days become monotonous. Every day is the same- cooking, cleaning, school work, errands, etc.

We are constantly overwhelmed, and even if we can physically take a break, mentally our minds are always on our kids, household, appointments, grocery lists, and so on. It never stops. It never ends.

I had a breakthrough recently concerning my childhood.

I grew up with a mom that worked full time then came home and took care of her three children day in and day out. My father was there, but he did not have a traditional job. He was just there. He didn’t cook, clean, pay bills, take us to our friend’s houses. Nothing.

I don’t ever remember hearing her complain about doing things for us kids. If we wanted something from her, like getting a special limited edition magazine, or going to a store, she always made it happen for us. But she was in a tumultuous mentally and verbally abusive relationship with my father.

I grew up witnessing constant arguing between my parents. I was exposed to a lot of things that I should not have been exposed to. I remember thinking I would never grow up and be the same type of parent I had to my kids.

But life happens. Marriage is hard work. Raising kids is an all consuming job. I’ve lost myself a time or two.

I now know why my mom was the way she was. She never verbally told us she loved us. Her way of showing she loved us was by taking care of us financially. Making sure we not only had what we needed but also what we wanted, within reason of course.

I believe that she was this way because she was on autopilot. No, even more, I think she was in a constant state of survival mode.

She did everything for us kids. She went back to school so that we could have a better life. She stayed with my dad, as horrible as our house situation was, to not break our family apart. But she also was distant, and robotic. There were no conversations about how our day was or what we were interested in. There was no school help. There were no important conversations about growing up and what we would experience physically and emotionally. I was barely even taught to drive. I was left to figure out a lot about life on my own.

I feel like the Lord revealed this to me for several reasons.

One, that I would show my mother grace. We don’t have the best relationship. I doubt we ever will. She still only shows love through financial means. Though it’s appreciated and never asked for, I would rather her spend time with us instead. I honestly don’t think she knows how to do that. She is always on the go, and I think that’s so programmed into her from our youth that she doesn’t know how to slow down even though she can, now that we are all grown with our own families.

And two, that I would have grace with myself. Being in the thick of raising kids, being a full time parent with no breaks, and having marriage slumps, has made me realize that I too have put myself on autopilot, or survival mode, and made myself emotionally unavailable to my husband and kids at times.

That’s a hard pill to swallow.

The world tells us we should be able to do it all and with a smile on our faces.

But that’s not possible, right? If we have peaks in our lives, there will also be valleys. And being in a valley isn’t the worst thing in the world. It actually can be beneficial like in this instance where I’ve come to this realization- as a parent, no matter how hard I try to be a great one to my kids, I will never be perfect. My kids will look back on their childhood and wish I would’ve done something different or been a better parent in a certain area or timeframe.

I don’t ever want to burden my children with the weight that I have on my shoulders, but if I am transparent with them about how mommy can get overwhelmed and needs a break sometimes, I think they too will be able to look back on their childhood and say “you know, my mom wasn’t perfect, I wish she would’ve done xyz with me, but she loved us the best she could even in her valleys, and that’s enough for me.”

What realizations have you come to recognize from your childhood that you can now apply to your adult life? Let me know below, and as always, thanks for being here!